Salad Is Slaughter

Dolphins Demand Citizenship, Retirement Pay

Dolphins working for the United States Navy demanded U.S. citizenship this week, a source close to the Navy said.  Dolphins in the Navy’s Marine Mammal Program detect mines, deliver equipment to divers, conduct underwater surveillance, retrieve equipment, and much more.  As the dolphin’s importance to the Navy has increased, so has the dolphin’s dissatisfaction with being a second-class non-citizen.

“This is really starting to dry my skin,” said dolphin spokesman Mr. Cuddles.  “We support the U.S. Navy every day and all we get is a couple of fish.  We want the right to vote, the right to own property, and yes, even the right to pay taxes.  As long as those taxes are in fish.  We want to be Cetacean-Americans.”

“We also want retirement pay just like other sailors,” stated Cuddles.  “After 20 years we should be able to retire on half fish rations, and full fish rations after 30 years.  We also want full Base Exchange privileges on any military base after we retire.”

A spokesman for the Marine Mammal Program was not available for comment.  However, an unnamed spokesman for Sea World expressed concern.  “If the Navy dolphins are granted citizenship and retirement benefits, will our cetaceans demand the same thing?  I can just see a parade of dolphins and whales going down to the INS office to get sworn in.  And if we have to institute retirement pay, we’re going to have to raise admission prices or maybe let some of the marine mammals go.  If this citizenship thing goes through there could be a lot of unemployed whales and dolphins out there.”

Mike Perative on 6/16/2003 7:19:50 AM

A question about Vegetarians

Dear Dick,

I’ve heard tell that there are some people who don’t eat any meat at all.  At first I didn’t believe it, but I looked it up on the internet and it says these Vegetarians are real people.  Personally I think that is a damn sin.  My question is: When they go hunting, what do they do with all the critters after they shoot them?

Bobby,
Lubbock, TX

Dear Bobby,

At first I was reluctant to answer your letter, but you are obviously an educated man and can handle the truth about vegetarians.  You ask what on the surface appears to be a simple question.  Unfortunately the answers are much more complex. 

As you’ve discovered from doing your research on the internet, there are people in this country who only eat plants and they are called vegetarians.  Within the large group of vegetarians there are at least three distinct groupings – vegetarians, vegetarians who only eat organically grown plants, and vegans.  The following descriptions of what vegetarians do when they go hunting may shock you.  Please be sensitive to other’s feelings before you share this information.  Make sure that they can handle the truth.

A vegetarian will normally track an animal and allow it to lead him to the juiciest, most succulent plants.  For example, they will track a rabbit.  The rabbit will lead the vegetarian to the best carrots, lettuce, and wild onions.  When the rabbit has identified the tastiest treats the vegetarian will shoot the rabbit so that it will not eat the vegetarian’s food.  He or she will leave the rabbit carcass to rot.

A vegetarian who only eats organic food will hunt a little differently.  I’ll save you some research time.  An organic farmer does not use safe, proven chemicals to fertilize his crops.  He will instead use animal droppings as fertilizer.  I know that this sounds sick, but there are people who eat carrots, potatoes, and onions that were growing in animal dung.  When a vegetarian who eats organic food goes hunting they just wound their prey.  They then take the wounded animal back to their shack and collect the animal droppings for their garden.

A vegan is a militant vegetarian.  It is easy to identify a vegan by their whiney, nasal voices.  They tend to utter phrases like, “I can’t eat this.  It has cheese on it and I’m a V-E-E-E-E-E-G-A-A-N.”  A vegan will hunt using a rifle with a scope.  They will usually aim at fruit trees and attempt to bring down the fruit by shooting it from the tree.  Vegans are not normally very successful hunters and will usually give up and buy their vegetables from a health food store.  If you encounter a vegan be very careful, as they have been known to attack people who eat meat.

I know that as an educated man you may be tempted to try a vegetarian lifestyle.  Don’t do it.  Vegetarians of all types are generally unhealthy because they don’t eat meat.  Resist the temptation and continue inviting your friends over for barbeque.

Richard E. Normus on 6/16/2003 7:16:01 AM

Demonically Possessed Dog Real

On May 12, 2003 EGI reader Jane T. Marteau wrote to EGI columnist Richard E. Normus about her possessed dog. EGI sent this reporter and a noted pet psychic to investigate. We planned to contact a local priest for an exorcism if one was required.

After arriving in sunny California we verified that the possessed dog did exist. At first Ms. Marteau was reluctant to let the pet psychic examine her puppy, fearing what she might discover. The pet psychic reported that the possessed puppy was extremely difficult to “read.” However after about one hour’s effort she stated that although the dog was demonically possessed, it was not Satan controlling her but a lesser demon named Groenendael.

 The Devil Dog
Ms. Marteau seemed relieved at the news that her puppy was not controlled by The Dark Lord Himself but was still upset about having Groenendael in her home. She immediately went to Target for a spray bottle and to the local Catholic church for a supply of holy water. Ms. Marteau began the exorcism regimen indicated by EGI columnist Richard E. Normus. The pet psychic also confirmed that this was the correct treatment.

This reporter is pleased to report that the holy water treatment appears to be working. While there are still indications of demonic behavior, the pet psychic testifies that the dog’s actions are changing. Ms. Marteau will continue the holy water treatment for as long as Groenendael lives at her house. This EGI reporter and the pet psychic determined that a priest was not required in this case to perform an exorcism.

EGI attempted to contact Mayor Gonzales about the incident. Mayor Gonzales refused to comment but a spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, stated that the mayor was quite upset that a demon would take up residence in his city. “The Mayor is distressed about the whole situation. The city currently has a major budget deficit and can’t afford to any more crises. Ms. Marteau is just going to have to handle this thing on her own.”

Missy Enformed on 6/16/2003 7:13:47 AM

I took these pictures this morning in our back yard when I was filling the dogs’ water bowls.

This is one of my favorite ways to prepare hamburger.  Note:  I prefer to make the Tzatziki sauce the day before and let it sit overnight in the refrigerator to allow the flavors to mingle.

Kofta Kebabs with Tzatziki

Kebabs:
4 cloves garlic
1 tablespoon kosher salt, plus a pinch
1 pound ground beef chuck or lamb
3 tablespoons grated onion
3 tablespoons chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley
1 tablespoon ground coriander
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
Freshly ground black pepper
Olive oil, for brushing the grill
Tzatziki, recipe follows
Grilled flat bread

Smash the garlic cloves, sprinkle with a generous pinch of salt, and, with the flat side of a large knife, mash and smear mixture to a coarse paste. Mix the paste and the remaining 1 tablespoon salt with the meat, onion, parsley, and spices.

Line a pan with aluminum foil. Divide the meat mixture into 28 rough balls. Mold each piece around the pointed end of a skewer (if you use wooden ones, soak them in water for
15 minutes before threading them), making a 2-inch oval kebab that comes to a point just covering the tip of the skewer. Lay the skewers on the pan, cover, and refrigerate for at least 30 minutes and up to 12 hours.

Heat a grill pan over medium heat or prepare a grill. Brush the pan lightly with olive oil. Working in batches, grill the kebabs, turning occasionally, until brown all over and just cooked through, about 6 minutes. Transfer to a serving platter and serve with tzatziki and flat bread.

Tzatziki: Yogurt Sauce (Greek yogurt and cucumber sauce)
2 cups plain whole milk yogurt or 1 cup Middle Eastern-style plain yogurt
1 medium cucumber, peeled, halved, and seeded
2 teaspoons kosher salt, plus a pinch
1/2 clove garlic
1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
1 teaspoon lemon juice
1/2 teaspoon dried mint, crumbled

If you’re using plain whole milk yogurt, line a small sieve with a coffee filter. Put the yogurt in it, set it over a bowl, and refrigerate 12 hours. Discard the expressed liquid and put yogurt in the bowl.

Grate the cucumber on the large holes of a box grater into another bowl. Sprinkle with the 2 teaspoons salt and rub into the cucumber with your hands. Set aside 20 minutes, then squeeze the cucumbers to express as much liquid as possible.

Smash the garlic, sprinkle with a generous pinch of salt, and, with the flat side of a large knife, mash and smear the mixture to a coarse paste. Stir the cucumber, garlic, olive oil, lemon juice, and mint into the yogurt. Refrigerate for at least 1 hour before serving.

Yield: 1 1/4 cups
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 25 minutes
Inactive Prep Time: 1 hour