Salad Is Slaughter

Religious Protest at NASA

Religious leaders from around the galaxy filed a protest with the National Aeronautics and Space Administration.  The group objects to NASA sending pornography into space some 30 years ago.  The religious groups are protesting the NASA launch of the Pioneer 10 and 11 probes back in 1972.  The two spacecraft contain pictures that the religious leaders consider pornographic. 

Pioneer 10 Plaque
“Terrible, simply terrible,” said a Union of Interstellar Faith spokesman.  “Take a look at all of those circles.  If that isn’t meant to imply Glillmeth sex organs, I don’t know what it does mean.  And those lines meeting at a single point are obviously a reference to Jaloooth prostitution.  And I don’t even want to go into the incest references.”Some human religious leaders agree.  EGI spoke with United Christian Coalition spokesman Rob Patterson.“Take a look at that picture,” said Patterson.  “You can see everything – hoohoodilly, cha-cha, boobies – just everything.  It’s disgusting.  I’m shocked and appalled that our tax dollars went to sending smut to the stars.  Someone needs to think of our school children.  What is a mother supposed to tell her son or daughter when the kids do a science report and bring home this kind of smut?  I know my mom would be speachless.”

Feminists were quick to join the protest.  “Look at that picture,” said spokesman Abby Belzug.  “The woman is shown to be smaller than the man.  It proves that the phalli-centric engineers at NASA consider women to be subservient and less important than men.  Also, we’re concerned about the size of the woman’s breasts in the picture.  We feel that it gives young girls unrealistic goals about body image.  We demand that NASA launch an immediate mission to retrieve those two spacecraft and destroy those plaques.”

A NASA spokesman was not available for comment.

Posted by: Missy Enformed on 8/18/2003 7:46:19 AM

There’s a sucker born every minute.
- attributed to Joseph “Paper Collar Joe” Bessimer

I know I shouldn’t be surprised but invariably I am. Every time. I know that there are people who despite all evidence to the contrary think Adam and Eve were real, that Noah’s flood was an actual event, that dinosaurs coexisted with humans. But my jaw still hits the floor when I come across articles like this in today’s San Jose Mercury News.

Home sellers in need of buyers try burying St. Joseph statues
CATHOLICS, NON-CATHOLICS BUY KITS FOR HELP IN SLOW HOUSING MARKET

Yes, there are actually living, breathing people who are allowed to operate heavy machinery, vote, and reproduce who really believe that if you bury a little plastic statue in your yard, you will sell your house faster. All I can say to that is, WTF.

“Oh, they’re very popular,” said Dennis Maurice speaking of the 600 statues of St. Joseph he sells each year. “We sell them mainly to home sellers and Realtors, and we sell a lot of them.”

Especially now, said Maurice, 13-year owner of the Glad Tidings religious book and gift shop in Pleasanton.

He sells them for $7.99 each. That’s over $4700 per year he makes selling plastic crap to the stupid. At just one store.

Today, Catholics and non-Catholics buy St. Joseph statue kits. Some kits also include burial bags, prayer cards and instructions on how to bury the statue - such as upside down and facing the property you want to sell.

Phil Cates, owner of Modesto-based site StJosephStatue.com, sells his “Underground Real Estate Agent Kit” for $9.95. It includes a four-inch statue. An eight-incher is $4 more.

Cates began selling the bigger model when someone called wanting a larger statue because he was selling a multimillion-dollar home.

What I want to know is how can someone so divorced from reality afford to live in a multimillion dollar house? Did he inherit the money?

Melanie Jerdon was trying to sell her Crockett house in January and wasn’t necessarily looking for a miracle. But when her aunt told her she had sold her home in three days after burying a St. Joseph figurine, after it had gone unsold the previous three months, she couldn’t refuse.

“I figured what the heck,” she said.
After about three months on the market, the house sold.

It took three months for the statue to work, and that proves something? Do you think just maybe you could have gotten better results with a new paint job, some landscaping, a maid to clean the place up, removing clutter, and some decent staging? A plastic F’ing statue. Unbelievable.

Update:  Ms. Jerdon says in the comments below that the article’s writer Chris Metinko took her statement about free marketing of her house with a purchase and applied it to buying the plastic statue.  If so, Chris Metinko should consider working for the creationists at the Discovery Institute where quote mining has risen to an art form.

And if it all just seems a bit blasphemous, the Rev. Paolo Oggiono, of the Pious Union of St. Joseph for the Suffering and Dying, in Grass Lake, Mich., said he doesn’t see it that way. His church’s contact information is even included in one St. Joseph kit - in case someone’s feeling a bit generous after selling their house.

Swindle the stupid, it’s a grand tradition.

“You just have to have faith,” Maurice said.

Translation: Give me your money, moron.

I wonder how any of these people get through the day with any cash left in their pockets. I’d start a business to prey on these people, but I can’t. I’ve got ethics.

Technorati Tags: religion, real estate, St. Joseph

Sometimes we purchase DVDs without having seen the movie first. It’s cheaper than a night at the theater, and you end up with your own copy. Sometimes it works out (Ghost Rider) and sometimes it doesn’t (any recent Academy Award winner). We bought the movie Reno 911! - Miami because we liked the TV show.

The Reno sheriff’s department heads to Miami to attend a cop convention but are refused entrance because they’re not registered. When the convention center is shut down due to a bio-terrorism attack, the Reno sheriff’s department is the thin blue line protecting Miami, searching for the source of the terrorist threat, and generally stumbling their way through police work.

Reno 911! - Miami is slow in parts, much cruder than the TV show, and really, really funny. I’m glad they brought in Terry, one of my favorite recurring minor characters. This roller skating stereotype shows up with more outlandish tales. He was perfect.

If you like Reno 911, you’ll like Reno 911! - Miami. If you’ve never seen Reno 911, you’ll probably wonder what the hell is going on. I loved it.

Technorati Tags: movies

I will not attack your doctrines nor your creeds if they accord liberty to me. If they hold thought to be dangerous - if they aver that doubt is a crime, then I attack them one and all, because they enslave the minds of men.

Robert Ingersoll (The Ghosts)

If you’re looking for the absolutely perfect gift for me, here it is.  I think if you pool your money you should be able to come up with the cash.  Maybe I should set up a Paypal account for this?