This is the last article I wrote as Mike Perative.
DEA Identifies New “Gateway Drug”
The U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency, or DEA announced this week that they have identified a new substance as a “gateway drug.” “Gateway drugs” is a term for drugs that supposedly lead to abuse of other substances. Marijuana, for instance, was considered by many to be a gateway to harder drugs.
“We used to think that marijuana was a gateway drug for harder drugs like heroin and cocaine,” said DEA spokesman Dr. John Koop. “Then we realized that even though users of hard drugs did often use pot, marijuana users often use alcohol. We felt we were on to something.”
“Further analysis showed that people who use alcohol, marijuana, and harder drugs also drank milk as children,” revealed Koop. “Since hard drug users often drank milk when they were growing up, it became obvious to us that milk was the gateway drug that we had been looking for. Stop the consumption of milk, and you stop the terrible chain that leads to a life of drug abuse.”
Farmers in Wisconsin were stunned by the news. “I was shocked, I have to tell you,” said Fred Douglas, a Wisconsin dairy farmer. “I never knew that we were contributing to the nation’s drug problem. But when I sat down and really looked at Dr. Koop’s analysis I had to admit that he was on to something.”
“This study is going to have far-reaching implications,” said Arnold Ziffle of Madison Wisconsin. “Some of the milk can be converted to cheese and ice cream but if we eliminate the sale of milk we’re going to have too many dairy cows. Most of those are probably going to be sent to abattoirs and turned into hamburger. Expect the price of beef to fall dramatically.
Attorney General John Ashcroft is expected to recommend that the minimum penalty for possessing milk be 10 years at hard labor. Transporting milk with the intent to sell is expected to be 25 years to life in prison.
Posted by: Mike Perative on 7/6/2004 7:30:33 AM